


Awfully Wedded

by Alisanne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Parody, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-21
Updated: 2005-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-19 00:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8181865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alisanne/pseuds/Alisanne
Summary: Harry and Draco's wonderfully wacky wedding.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Hex Files](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Hex_Files), which was closed for financial and health reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Hex Files collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thehexfiles/profile).

Disclaimer: Not mine, sadly enough.

Thanks to all who encouraged me to write this, specifically knightmare and VL, and particular thanks to Melisande, my long suffering beta. 

~

Awfully Wedded

~

Harry wondered for the twelfth time why they had not just eloped. The wedding itself had gone off without a hitch, although the officiating Minister had paused a trifle too long for Harry’s liking at the “speak now or forever hold your peace” portion of the ceremony. Maybe having Hagrid clear his throat loudly as several people had twitched as if they were going to object was a bit heavy handed? 

He had breathed a sigh of relief when it finally came time for the reception, but the danger was obviously not over. He had insisted that all wizards turn their wands over before the reception, and he again thanked Dumbledore for that gem of a suggestion as he looked around the party. Because now, they had gotten to the drunken portion of the evening. 

Harry watched as Ron made a fumbling and quite unsuccessful pass at Susan Bones. She gave him a disdainful look and kept moving. Harry sighed. Ron was his friend, but he did tend to be a sloppy drunk. 

Hermione, snuggled up to her boyfriend on the dance floor, rolled her eyes. _She obviously isn’t planning on interfering_ , Harry thought. And good for her! Ron needed to clean up his own messes for a change. Harry gave thanks one more time that everyone had taken rooms in the hotel so no one was Apparating or flying. Neither were good ideas when drunk. 

Harry looked around to try to spot his husband. This was his wedding for Merlin’s sake, he ought to be able to sneak away for a quick snog with the love of his life! 

Spotting the bright blond head, Harry moved towards the Slytherin corner of the room. Funny how the habits formed in school lasted a lifetime. Everyone in the room had graduated from Hogwarts at least three years ago, yet they were all clustered in their house groups, like this was some school dance and not a wedding uniting two powerful wizards. 

Sidling up to his lover of years and husband of thirty minutes, Harry wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled the back of his neck. Draco shivered in response. 

“Busy?” Harry whispered, smiling as the hairs on Draco’s neck stood up in reaction. 

Draco closed his eyes and leaned back into his husband’s arms. “Never too busy for you, love,” he said, placing his arms on top of Harry’s, which had snaked their way around him. 

Severus Snape, to whom Draco had been talking, snorted his disgust. “Can’t you wait until you start the Honeymoon for that, Potter?” he asked acerbically. 

Harry smiled and looked at his former professor. “No, sir,” he replied firmly. “Can’t wait. Just _had_ to do this right now.” 

Minerva McGonagall stifled a laugh, and, grasping Severus’ arm, dragged him to the dance floor. “But you _know_ I don’t dance!” he was heard protesting as they walked away. 

“Getting a bit lonely?” Draco asked as Harry sucked a soft kiss into his neck. 

“Mmm. Getting a bit _horny_ ,” Harry murmured, worrying the patch of skin that was so tempting him. 

“Maybe we should leave early?” Draco gasped as Harry kept licking him. 

Before Harry could drag his mouth away from his husband’s fragrant skin to answer, Narcissa walked up to them. “This is turning out so well!” she gushed. “I’m so glad that you let me plan it.” 

Harry rested his chin on Draco’s shoulder and smiled down at his new mother-in-law. “We appreciate all that you put into this, Lady Malfoy,” he said. 

She waved an airy hand. “No trouble at all, dear,” she said. “And do call me Mother.” 

“And do call me Lord Malfoy,” a snide voice said from the side. “If you must call me at all,” was added under his breath.

Narcissa rolled her eyes as her husband, who was obviously quite tipsy, walked up to the group. “Ignore him, Harry,” she said. “You may call him Fath..., um perhaps Lucius.” Not even Narcissa was immune to the Lucius death stare. 

Lucius snorted and took another swig of his firewhisky. “Why Potter, son?” he asked Draco, not for the first time. 

Draco rolled his eyes. He was not getting into this argument again. He loved Harry; it was quite obvious to anyone who saw them together that that was the case. 

“Is it the sex, Draco?” Lucius continued. “There are some very eligible young men from good wizarding families who you could....”

“Father!” Draco had had it. “I. Love. Harry. End of discussion. We’re married now, Father. There is no one else for me.” 

“Oh, all _right_.” Lucius wandered away still grumbling. 

“It’s not you, Harry,” Narcissa apologized as she went to follow her husband. “He’ll be fine. Welcome to the family!” 

Harry dropped his forehead into the curve of Draco’s shoulder. Maybe they _should_ leave for their honeymoon early. 

As if to reinforce that decision, Sirius and Remus came up and started talking. “Are you sure about this, Harry?” Sirius asked, trying to ignore the blond that he was wrapped around. “We can dissolve this thing pretty easily, just say the word...”

Remus just rolled his eyes. “Congratulations to you both,” he said, speaking over his mate, and reaching out to shake Draco’s hand. 

Harry sighed. Between his family and Draco’s family, it was a wonder this thing had ever happened. 

“I mean, it’s the Malfoys, Harry!” Sirius continued, warming to his topic. “You could have anyone. Why you would choose a spoiled prat Death...” Remus clapped his hand over Sirius’ mouth and smiled weakly at Draco. 

“Um, he’s got a bit of a headache. I’ll just take him back to our room for a potion....”

After a quick, furiously whispered conversation, Sirius stomped away muttering and dragging an apologetic Remus.

Draco closed his eyes and shook his head. 

“Wanna dance?” Harry asked softly. 

Draco smiled and turned in his husband’s arms. “That sounds lovely,” he said. 

As they settled in each other’s arms on the dance floor, an altercation at the bar made them turn towards that direction. Draco stared incredulously at the sight of his normally stoic father throwing firewhisky into Harry’s godfather’s face. 

“If they start doing wandless magic,” Harry said softly, “I vote we Apparate out immediately.”

“Deal,” Draco agreed, eyes widening as Lucius ducked a punch from Sirius, and it ended up hitting Narcissa. 

Narcissa, however, was no shrinking violet. She gave as good as she got, and when she hit Sirius over the head with a firewhisky bottle, it finally shut him up. He slid to the ground in silence. 

Remus was trying to talk calmly to Lucius, but the blond ex-Death Eater was not having it, and he punched Remus in the gut, obviously hurting his hand in the process, if his howling was anything to go by. 

Harry glanced over to where Dumbledore was. The elderly headmaster was twinkling merrily, as if a brawl had _not_ just broken out at his favorite student’s wedding. He placed a restraining hand on Snape’s arm as the man made a motion to join the fracas. Snape shot him a look of pure fury, but stayed where he was.

Harry and Draco clung to each other and watched slack jawed as the entire Weasley clan, including Molly, ran over and joined in the altercation. Harry buried his face in Draco’s chest when Fred and George started harassing old man Parkinson. 

“What are they...?” Draco’s mouth fell open when Pansy practically flew at George, knocking him away from her grandfather and on to the floor. “Harry, you have to see this,” he said, choking back laughter.

Harry raised his head to the incredible sight of Pansy straddling George and pummeling him as Fred and Ron tried to pull her off. Although Ron seemed to be torn between actually moving Pansy and copping a feel. Fred had evidently decided that George was in no danger, since he’d proceeded to take out a Wizarding camera and get busy taking pictures. 

Meanwhile, Molly was in a screaming match with Narcissa. Shouts of “Muggle Lover!”, mingled with “Death Eater Bitch!”, drowned out the band that was trying hard to play cheerful music and keep the atmosphere celebratory. 

“Why did we bother to try?” Harry asked his husband.

“Try what, love?” Draco asked.

“To have a full out wedding? We should have eloped like we talked about and sent out notices later.” 

“My mother and your... Dumbledore would have been upset, that’s why,” Draco said. “And it’s not worth it to piss my mother off, Harry. Take my word for it.” 

“Odds on who will win that screaming match?” Harry asked, tilting his head towards Molly and Narcissa, who were still nose to nose. 

Draco smirked. “I would have said Mother, but the pitch just changed.” 

Harry watched with a sinking feeling as Professor McGonagall entered the fray to try to separate the two women. He saw it coming a mile away, but could only watch in horror as Molly, obviously at her wits end, snagged a canapé from a passing tray and threw it at Narcissa. 

Unfortunately, Molly’s aim was not the best, and it ended up in Minerva McGonagall’s hair. Narcissa stared for a moment and then started laughing. Minerva’s face became, if possible, even sterner and she quickly grabbed a handful of desserts from another passing tray and smeared them into Narcissa’s silk robes. 

Now that food had entered the mix, the fracas quickly got messy. “Whose idea was it to have those creme puffs?” Draco asked, as food started flying. 

Harry caught one in his hand as someone threw one across the room. Draco rolled his eyes at this blatant display of Quidditch Seeker prowess. 

“Mmmm, I think that was me,” Harry admitted, popping it in his mouth and licking his lips. “Quite good, though.” 

“Yeah?” Draco asked softly, leaning in for a taste of the pastry and his husband. 

Harry nodded, mesmerized, as Draco’s lips moved closer and closer and...

“Perhaps you need to try to restore some order at this... event, Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy,” a voice said in his ear, and Harry turned his head to see Snape standing there, a smirk on his face. Harry almost growled. The Potions professor actually took an involuntary step backwards at the furious look in his eyes.

Draco shot his ex-head of house a look of supreme irritation, and then pressed a quick chaste kiss on Harry’s lips before they separated to try to quell the fight. 

Harry pivoted to stride over to the Weasley/Malfoy fight and stepped firmly on the remnants of a creme puff. For a moment he slid on his heel, and then he went flying on his backside across the room. 

Snape, who had turned away to retreat into his corner, had no warning before Harry bowled him over, straight into a waiter who was carrying a tray of miniature strawberry tartlets. 

Silence fell, as all the groups paused in their fighting to see what had caused the large clatter. 

Harry sat up slowly, his legs entangled with Snape’s, making it impossible to stand without holding on to his ex-professor. An _irate_ ex-professor who was covered with bright red strawberry sauce. 

Draco had run over to pick up his husband from the floor, but when his eyes fell on his former Head of House, his lips twitched and he lost it. 

Clutching Harry, he pulled the two men apart and, still laughing, tried to brush some of the sauce off of Harry’s robes. 

The brunet brushed his hands away and stood, covered in pastry creme and red sauce, scowling. 

The laughter started slowly and escalated as the crowd took in a disheveled Snape who was trying to find a cloth to clean himself. 

Harry saw Lucius turn back to Remus out of the corner of his eye and he saw red. 

“Stop it! Just stop it!” he snapped, striding over to his father-in-law. “I have had it with you. If you keep insulting my family and friends I will make sure that you never see your grandchildren. Ever! I will raise them as Muggles and they will know nothing of Malfoys or wizards!” 

Lucius’ mouth opened and closed like a landed fish. “You... you can’t!” the blond finally said, outraged. “Draco! Tell him he can’t!” 

Draco shrugged. “If this keeps up, Father, I’ll help him do it.” 

Lucius shut his mouth immediately and, grabbing a bottle of firewhisky, slunk to the corner accompanied by a clucking Narcissa. 

Sirius slapped Harry heartily on the back. “You tell him, Harry...” 

Harry rounded on him quickly. “The same goes for you, Sirius. If you won’t be civil to my in-laws then you won’t get to see you grand godchildren either!” 

Sirius reared back, shocked, throwing a poisonous glance at Lucius, who had sniggered. Remus came up and, winking at Harry, led his mate to the opposite corner of the room and away from the Malfoys. 

“And the same goes for the rest of you,” Harry continued, his voice ringing in the now quiet hall. “Anyone who has anything derogatory to say about my family had better leave now. My family consists of the Weasleys, the Malfoys, the Blacks... in fact you are ALL family. That is why we invited you.” 

Draco walked up to Harry and took his hand during the speech. Harry turned gratefully to him, squeezed his hand tightly, and then turned back to the crowd to continue. 

“I love this man,” he said in ringing tones. “HE is my family. And I will not accept anyone who calls themselves my friend or family hurting him in any way. Am I clear?” 

Pulling the blond into an embrace, Harry looked deeply into silver eyes for a long moment and then he kissed Draco, slipping his tongue inside the lush mouth as he explored. 

Draco melted into the kiss and the two men stood like that for a long moment, forgetting that they had an audience. 

“Merlin, that’s hot,” someone said, and Harry pulled away, grinning. 

“Now,” he said, voice slightly husky. “Draco and I are leaving to... er.. have our evening to ourselves. There had better be no fighting. Don’t make us have to come back here!”

As they walked out, a subdued murmur started behind them. Harry led Draco away from the hall and towards the stairway that led to their suite. He was panting as if he had been running. Draco laid a gentle hand on his arm. 

“Harry?” he said questioningly. 

The Gryffindor sighed. 

“You ok?” Draco continued. He knew that his husband hated making statements in public. He had seen Harry work himself into a frenzy before giving a speech. 

“Yeah. I wish I hadn’t had to do that, but they were all making me so... angry,” Harry said. He chuckled. “That _was_ pretty funny, though. Did you see Sirius’ face?” 

Draco smirked. “Did you see my father’s?” he asked. “And Merlin! Snape’s was priceless!”

The two men started laughing at the memory of the shocked and surprised look that had graced the Potion master’s face before he had fallen. A moan from one of the dark corners of the hallway made them both stop laughing immediately. 

“Now what?” Draco muttered as he and Harry followed the sound to its source. He knew better than to suggest a strategic retreat. Harry might have some Slytherin qualities, but his heart was that of a lion, no question. 

“Lumos!” Harry said, and the corner lit up to show a shocking sight. 

Pansy Parkinson, her skirt hiked up to her waist, was straddling a red haired man whose hands were up the skirt. The two figures were on the floor in the corner and seemed oblivious of their surroundings. 

Draco rolled his eyes and turned away. “I shall be scarred for life,” he groaned.

Harry snorted, then did a double take. 

“Ron?” he asked incredulously. “Is that you?”

Ron looked up, disoriented for a moment. 

Pansy buried her face in his shoulder. 

Draco started to laugh again. “Well,” he said almost choking on his laughter, “you _did_ want everyone to get along better!” 

Harry shook his head. “But, I didn’t mean this way...” 

Draco was shaking with laughter, but he had the presence of mind to pull Harry away. “Nox!” he said they moved down the hallway. As the light went out he could have sworn that Pansy smiled at him. Draco shuddered at that thought and kept moving, continuing to drag a sputtering Harry with him. 

“But... but... I didn’t...” Harry was still babbling, so Draco decided to shut him up with the most expedient method. Turning rapidly, he pressed Harry up against the wall and covered his mouth with his own. 

Harry moaned and opened his mouth wide, welcoming Draco’s questing tongue warmly. Harry started rubbing against the blond in a suggestive manner. Pulling his mouth away, he scattered kisses across Draco’s jaw tenderly, smiling at the hitch in his husband’s breath. Suddenly, he stopped. 

“Hey! You distracted me!” Harry accused. 

Draco grinned wickedly. “Yeah, I did. And your point?” 

Harry looked back to the corner wildly. “But... I can’t just leave him there with Parkinson,” he said. 

One Malfoy eyes brow went up. “And why not?” he asked. 

“She... he... they...” Harry was obviously having a hard time articulating. 

“You want to join them?” Draco suggested. 

Harry turned a shocked face back to him. “You... what?! No! Ewww!”

“Thank Merlin! You had me scared there for a second.” Draco nuzzled Harry’s neck. “Although I think they have the right idea. How about we go do what they were doing, only upstairs in a bed?” 

“Mrs. Weasley will kill me!” Harry said. “I need to stop him.” 

“I think we should let them keep going,” Draco said. 

“You... but what if they really hook up and end up together?” 

“You mean what if they get married?” Draco asked softly. 

“You think they could?” Harry asked. 

“Why not?” Draco asked. “And if they do, then imagine _that_ ceremony...” 

Harry stood still and then an unholy gleam lit his eyes. “Maybe I’ll encourage Ron,” he said grinning. 

Draco leaned forward. “I think you should encourage _me_ ,” he said suggestively. 

Harry grinned. “I love you,” he said softly. “Let’s go show them how it’s done.” 

Draco cocked a sardonic eyebrow. “Public sex? Harry, I didn’t know you had it in you...” 

Harry rolled his eyes. “No, you git. I mean let’s go to our room and start our honeymoon now. They can fend for themselves. Plus,” he said with a grin, “I believe it’s _your_ turn to have it in _you_.” 

“Can’t wait,” Draco said huskily. 

The two men set off running for their room, laughter following in their wake. 

~Fin


End file.
